Do you really have a need to serve?

I read a fair number of blogs, and as you can guess, most of them are written by subs. In many cases these subs talk about how much pleasure they get from serving their masters or how strong their need to serve is. I must say I find this difficult to believe. I have had only four subs for any length of time and none of them had a need to serve. Perhaps I don't inspire servitude in my subs, but I don't believe that to be the case. I feel a sub does her master's bidding because in pleasing him, the hope is that he will return the favour.
That doesn't mean that he has to do nice things, merely to do those things that drew the sub into the relationship in the first place. With my current sub things are no different. Just like in a vanilla relationship, if I satisfy her needs, she in turn wants to do the same for me. If either falls down on their end, the relationship suffers What makes a BDSM relationship different, in my opinion, is that a master can train or manipulate his sub to satisfy his own needs. If I need to feel like a dom or be sexually satisfied, then I can act or have my sub act to fill those needs. I can tell you that it is intoxicating to be able to have all your needs met. Unfortunately, there are times where in looking after my on needs, I have neglected my sub's needs. Lately our relationship has flourished because I have adjusted my requests or the manor in which I play with my sub to ensure her needs are met. They weren't major changes but enough to ensure both of us gain the most from being together.

Do you really need to serve, or are you serving as a means to an end?

Staying connected

One of the hardest things of having a sub that you don't live with or even see every day, is to stay connected as Master and sub. Our normal lives pull at us constantly leaving little time for us to renew our roles. It forces us to try to stay connected online. As I'm sure many of you have figured out, maintaining an online relationship after having had a real life one is a very poor substitute. Over the years I have tried many times to Dominate her online. I never felt very successful or fulfilled by doing this, and after some time I simply stopped trying.

Recently I decided to try anew. I decided that I needed a way to feel connected to her and when she completed a task or request that I asked her to do, no matter how silly, I did get a sense of fulfilment. She did it for me, why else would she do it other than I asked. I have even asked her to document the event using a digital camera and provide me proof, and again she complied. For some reason this time it's working. I feel like a Dom. She does done everything I ask, as soon as she can. I hope it is helping her feel as connected to me as I now feel connected to her.

Things have been going pretty well lately. We talk more, we let each other know more about what we like and don't, and we do not let anything fester as much as we may have in the past. Lately I am a happy Dom.

Stopping the spiral downwards

As you may have noticed, it's been two months since my last post. In that time we have had three or four meetings, none of them that successful. During the last meeting I left her with bruises that she had to hide for a week. Since then we haven't met, and thankfully last week she got really upset with me. She was upset about the marks, but more importntly she was more upset that I had not invested in trying to make things better. I hadn't shared the things that were bothering me and I didn't appear to care that things were going badly. It took a lot of chat but finally we started really communicating about what was really important to each other and what was BDSM myth and had no importance. If you read enough blogs and stories, you soon start to think that some of that stuff is real and people really like being treated like shit, or being neglected. The reality is that every relationship, vanilla or BDSM requires that both commit to each other and provide for each other's needs.
What does my sub need, control. Yes, if you have read previous posts, this is nothing new. I have always known this. Why was I more successful some times than others? why did she leave sometimes walking four feet off the ground, barely able to get back to work to tell me what a great session it was and other times, give me a quick "thanks for meeting me". When I started going through the activities that we do, I realized that some activities established control, why others did not. Those others, like bondage may continue the control but binding someone takes too long to establish control. I also realized that the intensity necessary to establish control did not need to be maintained the whole time, but did need to be re-applied throughout the session, especially after pauses. By going through all the things I do to her, I was able to sort through them into those that establish control and those that should be used after control is established. By taking care which activities to use when, I should be able to establish control and maintain that feeling for both her and I the entire time.

Armed with this knowledge, the only thing left is to test my theory. It's a little scary, wondering if this will stop the downward spiral our relationship is in. I am running out of ideas, but I am not ready to give up.

Thoughts about breath play

I have to admit the thought of breath play in the past has always scared me. I couldn't understand the attraction as I read other's thoughts on the topic. Occasionally I would see high school kids knocking each other out for fun,and I equated that as breath play and it make me shake my head and question their sanity.

Lately however, I have discovered that while I still don't want to render my sub unconscious, I do like the feel of my hand around her throat. the more I squeeze the more helpless she becomes. Nothing seems to bring me a feeling of control as quickly. My sub becomes totally focused in what I am doing, and waits for me to decide to either release her or knock her out. It provides me with an intense feeling of dominance, having that power, and I can know see what others see in it. I also realize that it is a topic that I need to learn more about, since the consequences of error are quite grave.

So that is what I intend to do, gather the facts around the risks and techniques required for safe breath play. I look forward to posting the results of my learning's. In the meantime, I will go slowly as I have no desire to harm my sub.

Work sucks

I know you didn't wait two weeks just to read me write this. I have been away on vacation and unable to keep up with my blog. I enjoyed my vacation, but it did keep me away from my sub, who patiently waited for my return. Of course upon returning, there is a mountain of work to get caught up on and little time to chat with my sub. Our lives do not allow much in way of communication except chat, so we both do the best we can to make ourselves available for each other. When work piles up for either of us, chatting becomes difficult or frustrating. Difficult, since carrying on anything but a very casual conversation requires some uninterrupted time which isn't available, and frustrating, when the either of us is unable to keep up their end. The resulting conversation is less than sparkling. and ultimately adds to the feeling of distance and separation that we have. We did get a chance to meet this week and after a prolonged absence. I find our first session after an absence always disappointing. I feel great pressure to be a perfect dominant, to make up for lost time and put our relationship back in the good place it was at before I left. This week I have to accomplish this under time pressure since our schedules didn't permit much time together.
It was a good meeting but I can't help feeling disappointed in my effort. I wanted to leave an impression, to remind her why we risk so much to be together and to live our needs. Somehow I never leave feeling like I accomplished my goal and this week was no different. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but she is worth it and leaving her feeling owned by me is the greatest feeling I get as a dominant. I can tell when I do leave that impression on her, I see it in her eyes. To feel truly dominant, I need to see that look, to have her enter my room as a busy business woman and leave my submissive. That's why I do this.

A good place

It's big a while since. I last posted, due in large part to an extraordinarily busy travel schedule. We haven't been able to get together in over two weeks and I find myself missing her greatly. It's not our first pause, and each time they happen I find myself reflecting on our relationship, and this time is no different. We are in a good place now with both of us enjoying ourselves and getting what we need. Sometimes our pauses have caused us to drift apart, due in large part to some pretty ineffective sessions prior to our break. This time seems different, likely because our recent sessions have been much better. Am I finally getting the hang of being a Dom? Boy I hope so. Being a good Dom is not easy. Too often I read about Doms whose relationship is completely one sided; everything is about them. and no thought is given to their sub's needs. As a new Dom I read a number of blogs and stories like this and foolishly felt I could act like an egocentric jerk and everything would be OK since her desire was to please me. Today I know how dumb that is and how her desire to please is born from my ability to satisfy her needs.
Our break is almost over and soon we will be able to resume our journey. I for one, can't wait to remind her in my own special way how important she is to me.

I love to make her shudder

Not every session works out, but all sessions help to further the understanding of each other, our needs and desires. Sometimes, though, I get it right! Our latest session was one that worked out we'll and reminds us why we do this.
I can still see her now, tied securely with a spreader bar between her wrists, pushing her pussy out to meet my crop at my request. I remember the conflict visible on her face, when she struggled to honor my request and open herself up to more pain. I can remember how erotic is was to pound her pussy with a large inflatable dildo while slapping at her clit with my hand. And finally, I know what a great session it was, because I watched her shudder uncontrollable from the sensory assault on her body.

Sometimes I wonder what to do

The nature of our relationship restricts what and where we can enjoy each other. Most of the time that means restricting ourselves to a hotel room. It also means that sometimes we get together at the last minute with no time to plan. As I drive over to meet her, I sometimes wonder about what to do. Our time together is limited and I want it to be great. When I have no time to plan, I worry I am going to create a session which is identical to a previous one. I want to walk away from our time together feeling good, feeling like the Dom she wants me to be and the Dom that I enjoy being. If I create a less than great session, I don't feel that way, and I know she doesn't either. Sometimes I have every minute of our session planned, from the moment the door opened, until the time we leave and other times I haven't a clue what I am going to do. Funny thing is, some of the unplanned sessions have been our best and some of the planned ones haven't gone as well as they did in my mind. I am not a planner, I am a spontaneous person, living for the moment,and I don't enjoy planning. But the sessions I plan generally go better than the ones I don't. So for her, I will endeavour to plan our sessions whenever I can.

I thought you might enjoy this picture of my sub. She kindly agreed to let me display pictures of her here

Lastly, I want to thank those took the time to comment. It is much appreciated.

No substitute for the real thing!

While we made real progress in communicating online effectively last week, there is no substitute for getting together. We met early in the week, and quickly after welcoming her with a kiss, I grabbed her by hair and slid my hand under her shirt, and reminded myself how good her body feels. Then I pushed her to her knees and pressed her head to the floor with my foot, telling her to lick my other foot. She struggled as I held her head tightly against the floor. After switching feet and determining that she had done an acceptable job licking both my feet, I had her rim my asshole. " You must earn your way to my cock" I told her. After rimming me to my satisfaction, I turned around and ordered her to suck my cock. I let her suck my cock for a while but then I took matters in hand and fucked her face. It had been a while, so I was easy on her in the beginning as she struggled with my cock in her throat. I do enjoy listening to her gag around my cock so I held it deep in her throat until she started gagging and struggling hard not to pull herself off. I love the way she honors me by trying hard not to pull away or ask me to stop.

From there I bent her over the the end of the bed, grabbed her wrists and held them behind her back and fucked her hard from behind, pulling her onto my cock with her arms. I went back and forth from fucking her from behind t0 having her suck my cock until I came hard in her cunt. Then we hugged and I whispered "welcome back". It was a nice way to get reacquainted.

As an unexpected treat, we were able to get together again the next day. While the session was briefer, it was even more intense as we didn't spend anytime getting to know each other again.

It's weeks last this one that make the previous three bearable.

Time doesn't heal all wounds

Whenever we are unable to get together, we tend to drift apart and chatting online doesn't seems to help, if fact it often makes things worse. Our normal lives seem to be the culprit. Both my sub and I have jobs that make it difficult to get together or even to chat effectively online. In the end, we wind up chatting as friends and not as Dom and Sub. That seems to weaken our relationship. We've tried chatting as Dom and sub, but work, interruptions and meetings make that very difficult and extremely frustrating. You can't control a sub that is already being controlled by another, her work. On top of that, coming up with conversation which is interesting and pertinent is difficult to do all the time.

When days apart turn into weeks, the situation grows worse. Over the last few weeks we had been unable to get together. This time communication became guarded, short and uninteresting. Somehow there had to be a way to fix this without meeting, which had been the way we previously had repaired our relationship. Being the Dom, the task fell to me to solve it. The answer was to wait for a suitable opportunity during the day for both of us to concentrate, and then to force us both to analyze the situation until we identified the issue and drafted a solution. It wasn't a substitute for a meeting, but it did allow us understand what was bothering us and work to find solutions that allow our time apart not to tear us apart. What was the answer? Simple, understand we are both busy, use only the end of the day to connect as Dom and Sub, and use the rest of the day to merely reach out and touch the other to let them know we are thinking of them without trying to create conversation.

Toy's ... an exercise in frustration

They look so good on the web pages, held by beautiful models and described with enticing words. Some even have testimonials from satisfied users. Get them home however, and the story is different. The last order of toys we received contained two remote vibrators. These were something we were looking forward to using, a way of extending our play out in public yet discreetly. So when they arrived, we were very excited. That didn't last. We purchased an remote egg with six motions and an remote external butterfly. Both were major letdowns. When I pushed the egg inside her, not only was I not able to make it start without having the remote three inches from her cunt, (definitely not discreet) but when it finally did run, she could barely feel it and it wasn't stimulating in the least. The butterfly was similarly disappointing. The order would have been a total flop except there was a replacement riding crop. I love using a crop. However can't seem to keep one as I have left two behind in hotel rooms in the past. There was also a penis gag which had an unexpected effect, it prevented my sub from swallowing. She tried one time and and almost choked to death so after that she was forced to drool all over herself. That was a unexpected, but quite enjoyable side effect.

It's those few that do work out that will likely keep us buying more and likely continue to be both disappointed and pleased.

I want to hear from you

It's hard being two married people, married to others that is, meeting and trying to maintain a Dominant - submissive relationship. Our other lives are constantly getting in the way of everything we do and everything we want to do. We can't play publicly, but we both would like to. We can't really get carried away with whips or crops or anything that would leave marks, yet we both would love to. We can't go away for a weekend and really get into our roles for an extended period of time, yet we both would love to try. Ultimately we meet in secret, always fearful that today is the day we slip up and our spouses discover our secret. It limits our growth, it keeps apprehension in the back of our minds, and ultimately detracts from what brings us together in the first place, a strong desire, perhaps need, to let that other person inside of us out.

So I would like to hear from any other couples that are in similar circumstances. How do you cope? How do you keep things interesting and fresh when you have to meet secretly? Maybe there is a need for the cheating doms and subs munches or dungeons. Certainly there should be a forum for us to relate to each other allow us to feel less alone in our journeys. So if you are like us and you have discovered my blog, ( two big ifs) post a comment or two.

Face Slapping

I love to slap a woman's face. I am not completely sure why. Maybe it's because it is considered completely taboo in the vanilla world, as if it was the worst thing you could do to someone and doing something taboo is fun.. I am not sure but I do know it feels good, it sounds good and most importantly, it instantly commands attention and conveys your control over your sub. So I was very pleasantly surprised to find out that my sub likes as much as I do. I shouldn't be surprised, she craves being controlled, and slapping her face makes her feel controlled and ultimately submissive. So why didn't I see that earlier? I guess I need to take more time to reflect on what works, and what doesn't work during our encounters, so I will struggle less and be more the Dom I want to be and the Dom I know she wants me to be.

Who what have guessed that being a Dom was so complicated? Certainly I didn't as I began, thinking my confident personality would get the job done. I have discovered however, that being a Dom is more than just being there in the moment; it's preparing, communicating, reflecting and adjusting. I guess that would probably apply to all my relationships, but I am not ready to admit that just yet. Doing it with one person is tough enough, with everyone I care about, well that would be simply exhausting.

Am I the only one?

I keep looking for blogs that interest me, written by other married people going through what we are going through. What I find all a lot of blogs where women go on and on about how wonderful their Master /owner is, and how perfect their situation is. Am I the only Dom that struggles? Am I the only one whose sub doesn't think he is perfect? I read their blogs and they seem so one dimensional to me. They don't they argue, don't they have problems, and have nothing less than perfect encounters. If I wasn't a confident individual, I might start to worry about myself. I do struggle, I do make mistakes, and my sub tells me when I do. I wish I could say that she makes mistakes, but the rules of this relationship are that I lead and she follows. If my sub doesn't act the way I want, then likely I didn't do what was necessary to get her to act the way I want her to. But, as my previous post says, we talk and use that to move on.

I'll keep looking for blogs that I like. I am certain there are more like us out there, and more Doms like me that aren't perfect.

Comunicate, comunicate comunicate

What a difference a week makes! After a difficult week last week, we had a great experience this week. She came in having read my last post, wondering if she had been too hard on me the week before. Was she wondering if she was too selfish? Was she wondering if she was not a submissive? I had her thinking. She came in and I acted like nothing had happened. I had her strip and put on her wrist and ankle cuffs. Then I stretched her out over the desk. I told her to get as comfortable as she could, as she would be there a while. I attached a spreader bar to her ankles and pulled her wrists over the end of the desk, then tied them back to her ankles. There she waiting, for what would come next. After her rebuke of the previous week I'm sure she expected a serious trashing and I didn't disappoint. I gagged her with a penis gag, which had her drooling the whole time. Then I started with a riding crop and whipped her harder than I ever had. I wasn't going to be rebuked this week. I continued thrashing her ass, her thighs her cunt and increased the intensity to the point where she was reacting with every lash. I fingered her cunt every few minutes. At first it was really wet but as she moved to from enjoy to endure she wasn't as wet. After several minutes I asked her if she had had enough and she said yes. That's when I started with the flogger. I enjoyed every minute moving from her back to her ass and even flogging her cunt. Both the crop and the flogger had her lifting herself completely off the table. trying to avoid the abuse to her cunt. The more she reacted the more I wanted to continue. By the time I released her she was my submissive, ready to do what ever I wanted. When I finally took her off the desk she assumed the ordeal was done. But know I tied her to the door and began working on her front side. Finally I released her. Then I fucked her face for a while before putting her on her back with her head over the edge of the bed and sliding my cock deep into her throat. I warned her that if I felt her teeth I would whip her cunt again. I can happily say that she never let her teeth touch my cock, and for the rest of the evening she was very pliant. She was mine and I brought that out of her, it was very satisfying.

The moral of the story is you can't communicate enough and when things are bad, you need to communicate even more. We did, and now things are better than ever. Dom, sub, Master, top bottom, those are all labels and mean more in stories then they do in real life. What was important for us, is that we know why we get together, that we understand what we want, and need, and we don't worry about anything else.

One step forward, two back

I continue to struggle with being a Dom. Whenever I think things are going OK, I get a note from my sub telling me what a disappointment our recent session was. I thought being a Dom meant being in charge. Isn't a good sub supposed to do as she is told regardless of her desires or needs? Clearly if a sub's needs aren't met very often, she will likely vote with her feet and take off, but I really feel I should be the one in charge. Well I may be, but only if I do what she wants or at least give her what she needs. Maybe she is not a sub, maybe she is a bottom pretending to be a sub when it's convenient. Maybe I am a jerk for not recognizing her needs. She certainly expressed to me that the latter was the case. I was thoroughly rebuked for not meeting her needs and for misinterpreting her hints. She clearly doesn't want to serve me, she wants to be controlled and she wants to feel that control on the inside and out.

So what am I to do? I could find a sub that wants to serve. That might work if what I wanted was to be served. But that's not really what I want. I don't want to be a Master, I want to be a Dominant. Is there a difference you ask, I think so. A Master to me, is served and a Dominant gets what he needs by expressing his control. I want to feel the sense of control and overpower my sub both inside and out. Wow that sounded familiar, oh yes that is what she wants too! So if we are so compatible then what happened this week? The truth is that sometimes I am a lazy Dom and when I am, I don't do our relationship justice. That was the case last week when we met. I let an golden opportunity pass out of laziness. We are both married to other people. We are getting together for very specific reasons, to satisfy very specific needs, and when we don't do that, we are just cheating. So I got my ass kicked and I deserved it. It wasn't pleasant, I felt hurt and very non dominant, but she was right. She is almost always right so, I guess I'll try to hold on to her and try to grow. Maybe next time it will be two steps forward and one back.

Taking Control

My sub is a smart ass. She is smart, has an important rather technical job, and loves to heave smart ass comments online. This is quite alright with me. Over the years I have given up trying to exert control over her while online. She has a life that demands her attention, and she fits me in as best she can. There is no way to control her without interfering with her life. For quite a while I struggled with this. I felt somehow I should be her Dom all the time. I wrestled with turning on the Dom in me only when we saw each other face to face, alone. I wondered if I was somehow playing a game, a real life RPG. Was I really a Dom, or just playing one every now and then? As time when on, it came clear to me that what I needed was to take control, not to be given submission. Luckily that's exactly what she wanted; to have control exerted over her, to draw out the submission in her, rather than volunteer it. I also came to realise that I was always a Dom, and it was something that I hide in my home and working life, and suppressing it online was no different. It was just another place to leave it inside me.

When we meet, I take control. I impose my will physically and verbally throughout our meeting. I need it, she needs it. Together we get what we need and our relationship flourishes. I don't want to be given her submission, it's not a gift to be given to me as so many women describe it. That's like being given the ribbon for winning the race without running it. No, I want to win the prize, to solve the puzzle of her psyche and unlock the submissive that she stores away inside her as well as I do the Dom in me. For a few hours we are free to people we want to be. It's my job to make that happen. If I don't take control, we both are disappointed. Taking control should be easy I tell myself, so why have I not succeeded every time? I have decided that suppressing my domination all day, most days, leads to the problem. The answer at least for me, has been to plan out our encounters and allow time to for me to prepare. In doing so, I have time to allow the Dom in me to surface. When I do, our sessions are better and more satisfying.

The sounds of sex

I think one of the things that really excites me is the sounds of sex. I am not talking about moaning or orgasms; those are nice too but I am really talking about the sounds my sub makes when I dominate her. I love the sound of her gagging on my cock. I love the coughing, spitting and hard breathing that happens after I let breath after holding my cock deep in her throat. I also love the sound of my hand slapping against her face. It has to be done just right to get the right sound but when I get it, it really cranks my motor. Spanking is another activity that can have a great sound if done right. Cupping my hand slightly seems to increase the slap sound and consequently increase my enjoyment.
My sub doesn't like to make a lot of noise. She resists crying out and she doesn't like begging but the little noises she does contribute to the overall pleasure I get. Gagging my sub tightly and then ask her lots of questions is also very enjoyable. She struggles hard to answer and the answers are difficult to understand but those are just more great sounds and reinforce my feeling of dominance.

Why is car sex so exciting?

The other night after an nice dinner in a restaurant my sub was enjoying my cock for dessert in the car. It was great but she offered to fuck me right there in the driver's seat and I was hesitant. We were still sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant and there were cars all around us likely from patrons who arrived near to the same time as we did. Her mischievous smile and my raging hard on convinced me to go ahead. She pealed off all her clothes and fucked me right in the drivers seat. It was incredibly hot! Thankfully it was quite cool out and the windows fogged quickly. When it comes to public sex she is more adventurous than I am making me feel very un-Dom like. I had to admit that afterwards. It was well worth it and we didn't, as you have guessed, get caught. I really am lucky to have such a special sub.

Expressing emotions

I have never been very good at expressing emotions. Those that know me would say I am not very good about talking about myself, period. That being said, I have found expressing emotions in a BDSM setting even harder to do. Expressing emotions for me has always seemed like showing your weakness, stripping away your armor and making yourself vulnerable. It seemed to me, to appear weak. Isn't that what men are taught; women are weaker and emotional, men are strong and stoic. So now take that into a BDSM situation where a Dom is expected to be the man's man. There certainly can't be any room for emotions in this environment can there? This is the conflict which exists inside me. I love my sub. She has allowed me to be the Dom I could be, that I wanted to be. She puts up with all the crap along the way, forgiving all the mistakes I make and stays with me. How do I tell her how I feel without sounding like a wimp? How do I show her how much she means to me without changing the nature of our relationship? I want her to know, but I want to remain her Dom, distinct from her husband and all that he provides. I guess all I can do is provide her the very best BDSM relationship I can, with rich and rewarding experiences. Hopefully that will be enough.

Why I Blog

Having been with my sub for a few years now, I realized that I needed an outlet to express the feelings, impressions, learning's and frustrations of our unique relationship. My sub is required to write me weekly at the end of each week and reflect on that week. It could be a reflection of our latest meeting, or a if we haven't met, a reflection on something in chat, or even a thought that has occurred to her. Over the years I have found this a valuable insight into my sub and I have used the information to adjust my approach going forward.

She has had no such insight into me however. As the Dom, it is my role to guide the relationship and as such, I felt the need to do so was not necessary since I could do so we interacted. As it turned out, we have had a bumpy ride in our relationship and I have come to see, (and been made to see), that some way of knowing the impact she is having on me, is necessary. My sub enjoys reading blogs, especially BDSM related blogs, so here I am blogging for her and just maybe, blogging for you too.