My domilogical clock is ticking

Recently my sub has begun to feel remorse and guilt about our relationship. She still values it, still gets something from it, but she is feeling guilty about betraying her spouse. I can understand, I feel guilty as well, things at home are good. My relationship with my sub has existed for over five years and that's a long time to keep a secret and "cheat" on your spouse. My relationship with my wife isn't sexual but my relationship with my sub is more than sexual. Being a Dom is challenging, fulfilling and emotionally satisfying. At times it frustrating, aggravating and annoying, but so is everything worthwhile. I don't want it to end but I can clearly hear my clock ticking. I hate that, I love my sub and I can't imagine moving on with out her.

I read the comments on my blog from women who are swear to serve and claim they get great satisfaction from simply serving. I have my doubts, I have had subs that claimed they wanted to serve and certainly were very willing to do anything I asked of them but they had a very real need; they needed to feel wanted and relevant. Their Doms, if they are good, are aware of this need and dole relief in measured amounts. The challenge with my current sub is she doesn't need that from me. She is bright, intelligent and in a very good relationship with her spouse. She is strong, fit and very capable of defending herself if attacked. She struggles with being a woman, feeling that feminine and girly are signs of weakness. She dresses in a fashion that no one will consider how she looks before they consider what she says or how she thinks. I call her beautiful and sexy and she struggles with applying those adjectives to herself. But that only makes her more special to me. She makes sure that as her Dom I need to continuously work on our relationship, growing it and making it and her feel it is worth the guilt and remorse. It's not easy but it noting in life worth having is easy to get and easy to hold on to. I love the challenge that she presents and I enjoy the great sense of accomplishment I feel when I make her feel like a sub and in turn I fell like the greatest Dom. Those are fleeting feelings, needing to be renewed each time we meet but that give us something to look forward to, something to fight hard before letting go.

I'm back... and it feels good

It's been five months since my last post. I think I ran out of things to say for a while. Then my relationship was put on hold for three months. Over that time I spent a lot of time thinking about the relationship I had. At one point it looked as if it was going to be over so I wondered if I would invest the time to find a new sub. It's a lot of work to find someone that is not only compatible with you as a person but understands my being married, can live with the restrictions that presents, and settles for whatever time I can give. Reflecting on that I realized how special my sub has been to me, being there over the last five years, putting up with my inconsistencies and patiently waiting for me to develop into the Dom she wanted.

Recently we have decided to get back together and continue our relationship. I am really excited and nervous. Excited that I can see her again and resume our relationship, and nervous that I might do something to upset what I have and lose my sub who I come to see is someone very special to me.

Are we full of sexual problems?

Over the last few days an article has been circulated that states spanking your child can lead to sexual problems as an adult. They go on to say that these sexual problems are the desire to be spanked as an adult. Now I may be biased in my opinion, but I don't think that the desire to be spanked is a sexual problem. If it is, there are a lot of people with sexual problems.

BDSM is poorly understood by the vanilla community. My wife thinks I am a pervert. She doesn't understand why I could possibly enjoy this without being unbalanced in some fashion. I never had a good way to describe what being dominant meant to me. I was left defending something without a good argument. Being Dominant feels good, I enjoy it, but I can't put in terms that she can understand.

Recently I was chatting with my sub and we always talked about our sessions as mini vacations from our vanilla lives. But my vanilla life generally is good,I didn't feel I needed to escape it, so perhaps the vacation analogy is inaccurate. So why do we do what we do? If we are not full of sexual problems, there has to be a sane reason that keeps us doing what a lot of society doesn't understand at best, and condemns at worst. Not being able to articulate why I do what I do has bothered me for quite a while.

Recently I had a mini breakthrough. My sub was getting a massage and it occurred to me that I enjoyed getting a massage because it is so relaxing. I almost fall asleep every time. I am not addicted to them, but I enjoy them. A massage relaxes my body and my mind.

Then it hit me, a BDSM session is a massage for my emotional well being. It leaves me emotionally relaxed. While an orgasm and crying are emotional releases, they don't leave me emotionally relaxed. After a session, the Dom that lives in side me gets back in balance with the rest of me. I feel relaxed, not physically, in fact sometimes I am pumped up, not mentally, because most times I find I can really focus on what ever is in front of me, but emotionally.

Have you have your emotional massage lately?

Tools of the trade

Every profession has its tools; this one is no different, but it only took me a long time to discover what they were. It's not like I haven't ever used them, it's that I only now understand that they are tools and how to use them effectively.

What am I talking about you ask? The tools of domination are pain, bondage, humiliation and rough handling. I used to think of them as activities and the real tools were floggers and whips and such but I have come to realise that pain bondage, humiliation and rough handling are in fact the tools of the trade. Each one does the same thing in a different way. Their purpose; they transfer control from the sub to the Dom. Different subs respond differently to different tools but their purpose is the same.

Use them effectively and the power exchange is accomplished efficiently. Think of them as activities and the power exchange may or may not happen. You get caught up in what you are doing and when you are done, all you had was kinky sex. That's OK sometimes, but I'm in it for the power exchange. To feel like a Dom I need to feel the submission in my sub. As the Dom, I am in a position to make that happen but until recently, it wasn't happening consistently. As I started to think of pain and bondage as tools, I began to use them to achieve my goal rather then for their own sake. I still enjoy them, but I am focused on stripping control from my sub.

In the end we both are more satisfied, our sessions are more enjoyable, and I can now say that I think I am finally getting the hang of this.

Bound and helpless, or is it happy?

I enjoy binding my sub. I like the act of tying the ropes and I like the look of the finished product. Unfortunately I am not very good at it. It takes me a long time and I am often disappointed with the results. Sometimes the knots are untidy or sometimes the bindings don't restrict as I intended or the knots wind up at the wrong place. I rarely start over, thinking my long drawn out process was boring her. So I finish often with a result that is disappointing. She has never complained about me taking too much time. I thought she was being polite. Recently I discovered my thinking was entirely flawed.

During a recent session I decided I wanted to bind her again. I placed her on her stomach and began from her ankles and moved my way up to her wrists. I even incorporated a newly acquired anal hook into my binding. I was fairly happy with the result this time but it did take awhile. In a email reflecting on our session she expressed to me how much she enjoyed being bound and found both the act and the final result relaxing. I took a picture of the final result and I happily share it with you. We've had a very good time of it lately and those of you that have read my entire blog know that isn't always the case.

I am a fortunate Dom. What I enjoy, makes my sub happy too. What could be better than that.