One step forward, two back

I continue to struggle with being a Dom. Whenever I think things are going OK, I get a note from my sub telling me what a disappointment our recent session was. I thought being a Dom meant being in charge. Isn't a good sub supposed to do as she is told regardless of her desires or needs? Clearly if a sub's needs aren't met very often, she will likely vote with her feet and take off, but I really feel I should be the one in charge. Well I may be, but only if I do what she wants or at least give her what she needs. Maybe she is not a sub, maybe she is a bottom pretending to be a sub when it's convenient. Maybe I am a jerk for not recognizing her needs. She certainly expressed to me that the latter was the case. I was thoroughly rebuked for not meeting her needs and for misinterpreting her hints. She clearly doesn't want to serve me, she wants to be controlled and she wants to feel that control on the inside and out.

So what am I to do? I could find a sub that wants to serve. That might work if what I wanted was to be served. But that's not really what I want. I don't want to be a Master, I want to be a Dominant. Is there a difference you ask, I think so. A Master to me, is served and a Dominant gets what he needs by expressing his control. I want to feel the sense of control and overpower my sub both inside and out. Wow that sounded familiar, oh yes that is what she wants too! So if we are so compatible then what happened this week? The truth is that sometimes I am a lazy Dom and when I am, I don't do our relationship justice. That was the case last week when we met. I let an golden opportunity pass out of laziness. We are both married to other people. We are getting together for very specific reasons, to satisfy very specific needs, and when we don't do that, we are just cheating. So I got my ass kicked and I deserved it. It wasn't pleasant, I felt hurt and very non dominant, but she was right. She is almost always right so, I guess I'll try to hold on to her and try to grow. Maybe next time it will be two steps forward and one back.

Taking Control

My sub is a smart ass. She is smart, has an important rather technical job, and loves to heave smart ass comments online. This is quite alright with me. Over the years I have given up trying to exert control over her while online. She has a life that demands her attention, and she fits me in as best she can. There is no way to control her without interfering with her life. For quite a while I struggled with this. I felt somehow I should be her Dom all the time. I wrestled with turning on the Dom in me only when we saw each other face to face, alone. I wondered if I was somehow playing a game, a real life RPG. Was I really a Dom, or just playing one every now and then? As time when on, it came clear to me that what I needed was to take control, not to be given submission. Luckily that's exactly what she wanted; to have control exerted over her, to draw out the submission in her, rather than volunteer it. I also came to realise that I was always a Dom, and it was something that I hide in my home and working life, and suppressing it online was no different. It was just another place to leave it inside me.

When we meet, I take control. I impose my will physically and verbally throughout our meeting. I need it, she needs it. Together we get what we need and our relationship flourishes. I don't want to be given her submission, it's not a gift to be given to me as so many women describe it. That's like being given the ribbon for winning the race without running it. No, I want to win the prize, to solve the puzzle of her psyche and unlock the submissive that she stores away inside her as well as I do the Dom in me. For a few hours we are free to people we want to be. It's my job to make that happen. If I don't take control, we both are disappointed. Taking control should be easy I tell myself, so why have I not succeeded every time? I have decided that suppressing my domination all day, most days, leads to the problem. The answer at least for me, has been to plan out our encounters and allow time to for me to prepare. In doing so, I have time to allow the Dom in me to surface. When I do, our sessions are better and more satisfying.

The sounds of sex

I think one of the things that really excites me is the sounds of sex. I am not talking about moaning or orgasms; those are nice too but I am really talking about the sounds my sub makes when I dominate her. I love the sound of her gagging on my cock. I love the coughing, spitting and hard breathing that happens after I let breath after holding my cock deep in her throat. I also love the sound of my hand slapping against her face. It has to be done just right to get the right sound but when I get it, it really cranks my motor. Spanking is another activity that can have a great sound if done right. Cupping my hand slightly seems to increase the slap sound and consequently increase my enjoyment.
My sub doesn't like to make a lot of noise. She resists crying out and she doesn't like begging but the little noises she does contribute to the overall pleasure I get. Gagging my sub tightly and then ask her lots of questions is also very enjoyable. She struggles hard to answer and the answers are difficult to understand but those are just more great sounds and reinforce my feeling of dominance.

Why is car sex so exciting?

The other night after an nice dinner in a restaurant my sub was enjoying my cock for dessert in the car. It was great but she offered to fuck me right there in the driver's seat and I was hesitant. We were still sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant and there were cars all around us likely from patrons who arrived near to the same time as we did. Her mischievous smile and my raging hard on convinced me to go ahead. She pealed off all her clothes and fucked me right in the drivers seat. It was incredibly hot! Thankfully it was quite cool out and the windows fogged quickly. When it comes to public sex she is more adventurous than I am making me feel very un-Dom like. I had to admit that afterwards. It was well worth it and we didn't, as you have guessed, get caught. I really am lucky to have such a special sub.

Expressing emotions

I have never been very good at expressing emotions. Those that know me would say I am not very good about talking about myself, period. That being said, I have found expressing emotions in a BDSM setting even harder to do. Expressing emotions for me has always seemed like showing your weakness, stripping away your armor and making yourself vulnerable. It seemed to me, to appear weak. Isn't that what men are taught; women are weaker and emotional, men are strong and stoic. So now take that into a BDSM situation where a Dom is expected to be the man's man. There certainly can't be any room for emotions in this environment can there? This is the conflict which exists inside me. I love my sub. She has allowed me to be the Dom I could be, that I wanted to be. She puts up with all the crap along the way, forgiving all the mistakes I make and stays with me. How do I tell her how I feel without sounding like a wimp? How do I show her how much she means to me without changing the nature of our relationship? I want her to know, but I want to remain her Dom, distinct from her husband and all that he provides. I guess all I can do is provide her the very best BDSM relationship I can, with rich and rewarding experiences. Hopefully that will be enough.