It's been five months since my last post. I think I ran out of things to say for a while. Then my relationship was put on hold for three months. Over that time I spent a lot of time thinking about the relationship I had. At one point it looked as if it was going to be over so I wondered if I would invest the time to find a new sub. It's a lot of work to find someone that is not only compatible with you as a person but understands my being married, can live with the restrictions that presents, and settles for whatever time I can give. Reflecting on that I realized how special my sub has been to me, being there over the last five years, putting up with my inconsistencies and patiently waiting for me to develop into the Dom she wanted.
Recently we have decided to get back together and continue our relationship. I am really excited and nervous. Excited that I can see her again and resume our relationship, and nervous that I might do something to upset what I have and lose my sub who I come to see is someone very special to me.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Are we full of sexual problems?
Over the last few days an article has been circulated that states spanking your child can lead to sexual problems as an adult. They go on to say that these sexual problems are the desire to be spanked as an adult. Now I may be biased in my opinion, but I don't think that the desire to be spanked is a sexual problem. If it is, there are a lot of people with sexual problems.
BDSM is poorly understood by the vanilla community. My wife thinks I am a pervert. She doesn't understand why I could possibly enjoy this without being unbalanced in some fashion. I never had a good way to describe what being dominant meant to me. I was left defending something without a good argument. Being Dominant feels good, I enjoy it, but I can't put in terms that she can understand.
Recently I was chatting with my sub and we always talked about our sessions as mini vacations from our vanilla lives. But my vanilla life generally is good,I didn't feel I needed to escape it, so perhaps the vacation analogy is inaccurate. So why do we do what we do? If we are not full of sexual problems, there has to be a sane reason that keeps us doing what a lot of society doesn't understand at best, and condemns at worst. Not being able to articulate why I do what I do has bothered me for quite a while.
Recently I had a mini breakthrough. My sub was getting a massage and it occurred to me that I enjoyed getting a massage because it is so relaxing. I almost fall asleep every time. I am not addicted to them, but I enjoy them. A massage relaxes my body and my mind.
Then it hit me, a BDSM session is a massage for my emotional well being. It leaves me emotionally relaxed. While an orgasm and crying are emotional releases, they don't leave me emotionally relaxed. After a session, the Dom that lives in side me gets back in balance with the rest of me. I feel relaxed, not physically, in fact sometimes I am pumped up, not mentally, because most times I find I can really focus on what ever is in front of me, but emotionally.
Have you have your emotional massage lately?
BDSM is poorly understood by the vanilla community. My wife thinks I am a pervert. She doesn't understand why I could possibly enjoy this without being unbalanced in some fashion. I never had a good way to describe what being dominant meant to me. I was left defending something without a good argument. Being Dominant feels good, I enjoy it, but I can't put in terms that she can understand.
Recently I was chatting with my sub and we always talked about our sessions as mini vacations from our vanilla lives. But my vanilla life generally is good,I didn't feel I needed to escape it, so perhaps the vacation analogy is inaccurate. So why do we do what we do? If we are not full of sexual problems, there has to be a sane reason that keeps us doing what a lot of society doesn't understand at best, and condemns at worst. Not being able to articulate why I do what I do has bothered me for quite a while.
Recently I had a mini breakthrough. My sub was getting a massage and it occurred to me that I enjoyed getting a massage because it is so relaxing. I almost fall asleep every time. I am not addicted to them, but I enjoy them. A massage relaxes my body and my mind.
Then it hit me, a BDSM session is a massage for my emotional well being. It leaves me emotionally relaxed. While an orgasm and crying are emotional releases, they don't leave me emotionally relaxed. After a session, the Dom that lives in side me gets back in balance with the rest of me. I feel relaxed, not physically, in fact sometimes I am pumped up, not mentally, because most times I find I can really focus on what ever is in front of me, but emotionally.
Have you have your emotional massage lately?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tools of the trade
Every profession has its tools; this one is no different, but it only took me a long time to discover what they were. It's not like I haven't ever used them, it's that I only now understand that they are tools and how to use them effectively.
What am I talking about you ask? The tools of domination are pain, bondage, humiliation and rough handling. I used to think of them as activities and the real tools were floggers and whips and such but I have come to realise that pain bondage, humiliation and rough handling are in fact the tools of the trade. Each one does the same thing in a different way. Their purpose; they transfer control from the sub to the Dom. Different subs respond differently to different tools but their purpose is the same.
Use them effectively and the power exchange is accomplished efficiently. Think of them as activities and the power exchange may or may not happen. You get caught up in what you are doing and when you are done, all you had was kinky sex. That's OK sometimes, but I'm in it for the power exchange. To feel like a Dom I need to feel the submission in my sub. As the Dom, I am in a position to make that happen but until recently, it wasn't happening consistently. As I started to think of pain and bondage as tools, I began to use them to achieve my goal rather then for their own sake. I still enjoy them, but I am focused on stripping control from my sub.
In the end we both are more satisfied, our sessions are more enjoyable, and I can now say that I think I am finally getting the hang of this.
What am I talking about you ask? The tools of domination are pain, bondage, humiliation and rough handling. I used to think of them as activities and the real tools were floggers and whips and such but I have come to realise that pain bondage, humiliation and rough handling are in fact the tools of the trade. Each one does the same thing in a different way. Their purpose; they transfer control from the sub to the Dom. Different subs respond differently to different tools but their purpose is the same.
Use them effectively and the power exchange is accomplished efficiently. Think of them as activities and the power exchange may or may not happen. You get caught up in what you are doing and when you are done, all you had was kinky sex. That's OK sometimes, but I'm in it for the power exchange. To feel like a Dom I need to feel the submission in my sub. As the Dom, I am in a position to make that happen but until recently, it wasn't happening consistently. As I started to think of pain and bondage as tools, I began to use them to achieve my goal rather then for their own sake. I still enjoy them, but I am focused on stripping control from my sub.
In the end we both are more satisfied, our sessions are more enjoyable, and I can now say that I think I am finally getting the hang of this.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Bound and helpless, or is it happy?
I enjoy binding my sub. I like the act of tying the ropes and I like the look of the finished product. Unfortunately I am not very good at it. It takes me a long time and I am often disappointed with the results. Sometimes the knots are untidy or sometimes the bindings don't restrict as I intended or the knots wind up at the wrong place. I rarely start over, thinking my long drawn out process was boring her. So I finish often with a result that is disappointing. She has never complained about me taking too much time. I thought she was being polite. Recently I discovered my thinking was entirely flawed.
During a recent session I decided I wanted to bind her again. I placed her on her stomach and began from her ankles and moved my way up to her wrists. I even incorporated a newly acquired anal hook into my binding. I was fairly happy with the result this time but it did take awhile. In a email reflecting on our session she expressed to me how much she enjoyed being bound and found both the act and the final result relaxing. I took a picture of the final result and I happily share it with you. We've had a very good time of it lately and those of you that have read my entire blog know that isn't always the case.
I am a fortunate Dom. What I enjoy, makes my sub happy too. What could be better than that.
During a recent session I decided I wanted to bind her again. I placed her on her stomach and began from her ankles and moved my way up to her wrists. I even incorporated a newly acquired anal hook into my binding. I was fairly happy with the result this time but it did take awhile. In a email reflecting on our session she expressed to me how much she enjoyed being bound and found both the act and the final result relaxing. I took a picture of the final result and I happily share it with you. We've had a very good time of it lately and those of you that have read my entire blog know that isn't always the case.
I am a fortunate Dom. What I enjoy, makes my sub happy too. What could be better than that.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Do you really have a need to serve?
I read a fair number of blogs, and as you can guess, most of them are written by subs. In many cases these subs talk about how much pleasure they get from serving their masters or how strong their need to serve is. I must say I find this difficult to believe. I have had only four subs for any length of time and none of them had a need to serve. Perhaps I don't inspire servitude in my subs, but I don't believe that to be the case. I feel a sub does her master's bidding because in pleasing him, the hope is that he will return the favour.
That doesn't mean that he has to do nice things, merely to do those things that drew the sub into the relationship in the first place. With my current sub things are no different. Just like in a vanilla relationship, if I satisfy her needs, she in turn wants to do the same for me. If either falls down on their end, the relationship suffers What makes a BDSM relationship different, in my opinion, is that a master can train or manipulate his sub to satisfy his own needs. If I need to feel like a dom or be sexually satisfied, then I can act or have my sub act to fill those needs. I can tell you that it is intoxicating to be able to have all your needs met. Unfortunately, there are times where in looking after my on needs, I have neglected my sub's needs. Lately our relationship has flourished because I have adjusted my requests or the manor in which I play with my sub to ensure her needs are met. They weren't major changes but enough to ensure both of us gain the most from being together.
Do you really need to serve, or are you serving as a means to an end?
That doesn't mean that he has to do nice things, merely to do those things that drew the sub into the relationship in the first place. With my current sub things are no different. Just like in a vanilla relationship, if I satisfy her needs, she in turn wants to do the same for me. If either falls down on their end, the relationship suffers What makes a BDSM relationship different, in my opinion, is that a master can train or manipulate his sub to satisfy his own needs. If I need to feel like a dom or be sexually satisfied, then I can act or have my sub act to fill those needs. I can tell you that it is intoxicating to be able to have all your needs met. Unfortunately, there are times where in looking after my on needs, I have neglected my sub's needs. Lately our relationship has flourished because I have adjusted my requests or the manor in which I play with my sub to ensure her needs are met. They weren't major changes but enough to ensure both of us gain the most from being together.
Do you really need to serve, or are you serving as a means to an end?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Staying connected
One of the hardest things of having a sub that you don't live with or even see every day, is to stay connected as Master and sub. Our normal lives pull at us constantly leaving little time for us to renew our roles. It forces us to try to stay connected online. As I'm sure many of you have figured out, maintaining an online relationship after having had a real life one is a very poor substitute. Over the years I have tried many times to Dominate her online. I never felt very successful or fulfilled by doing this, and after some time I simply stopped trying.
Recently I decided to try anew. I decided that I needed a way to feel connected to her and when she completed a task or request that I asked her to do, no matter how silly, I did get a sense of fulfilment. She did it for me, why else would she do it other than I asked. I have even asked her to document the event using a digital camera and provide me proof, and again she complied. For some reason this time it's working. I feel like a Dom. She does done everything I ask, as soon as she can. I hope it is helping her feel as connected to me as I now feel connected to her.
Things have been going pretty well lately. We talk more, we let each other know more about what we like and don't, and we do not let anything fester as much as we may have in the past. Lately I am a happy Dom.
Recently I decided to try anew. I decided that I needed a way to feel connected to her and when she completed a task or request that I asked her to do, no matter how silly, I did get a sense of fulfilment. She did it for me, why else would she do it other than I asked. I have even asked her to document the event using a digital camera and provide me proof, and again she complied. For some reason this time it's working. I feel like a Dom. She does done everything I ask, as soon as she can. I hope it is helping her feel as connected to me as I now feel connected to her.
Things have been going pretty well lately. We talk more, we let each other know more about what we like and don't, and we do not let anything fester as much as we may have in the past. Lately I am a happy Dom.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Stopping the spiral downwards
As you may have noticed, it's been two months since my last post. In that time we have had three or four meetings, none of them that successful. During the last meeting I left her with bruises that she had to hide for a week. Since then we haven't met, and thankfully last week she got really upset with me. She was upset about the marks, but more importntly she was more upset that I had not invested in trying to make things better. I hadn't shared the things that were bothering me and I didn't appear to care that things were going badly. It took a lot of chat but finally we started really communicating about what was really important to each other and what was BDSM myth and had no importance. If you read enough blogs and stories, you soon start to think that some of that stuff is real and people really like being treated like shit, or being neglected. The reality is that every relationship, vanilla or BDSM requires that both commit to each other and provide for each other's needs.
What does my sub need, control. Yes, if you have read previous posts, this is nothing new. I have always known this. Why was I more successful some times than others? why did she leave sometimes walking four feet off the ground, barely able to get back to work to tell me what a great session it was and other times, give me a quick "thanks for meeting me". When I started going through the activities that we do, I realized that some activities established control, why others did not. Those others, like bondage may continue the control but binding someone takes too long to establish control. I also realized that the intensity necessary to establish control did not need to be maintained the whole time, but did need to be re-applied throughout the session, especially after pauses. By going through all the things I do to her, I was able to sort through them into those that establish control and those that should be used after control is established. By taking care which activities to use when, I should be able to establish control and maintain that feeling for both her and I the entire time.
Armed with this knowledge, the only thing left is to test my theory. It's a little scary, wondering if this will stop the downward spiral our relationship is in. I am running out of ideas, but I am not ready to give up.
What does my sub need, control. Yes, if you have read previous posts, this is nothing new. I have always known this. Why was I more successful some times than others? why did she leave sometimes walking four feet off the ground, barely able to get back to work to tell me what a great session it was and other times, give me a quick "thanks for meeting me". When I started going through the activities that we do, I realized that some activities established control, why others did not. Those others, like bondage may continue the control but binding someone takes too long to establish control. I also realized that the intensity necessary to establish control did not need to be maintained the whole time, but did need to be re-applied throughout the session, especially after pauses. By going through all the things I do to her, I was able to sort through them into those that establish control and those that should be used after control is established. By taking care which activities to use when, I should be able to establish control and maintain that feeling for both her and I the entire time.
Armed with this knowledge, the only thing left is to test my theory. It's a little scary, wondering if this will stop the downward spiral our relationship is in. I am running out of ideas, but I am not ready to give up.
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