Tools of the trade

Every profession has its tools; this one is no different, but it only took me a long time to discover what they were. It's not like I haven't ever used them, it's that I only now understand that they are tools and how to use them effectively.

What am I talking about you ask? The tools of domination are pain, bondage, humiliation and rough handling. I used to think of them as activities and the real tools were floggers and whips and such but I have come to realise that pain bondage, humiliation and rough handling are in fact the tools of the trade. Each one does the same thing in a different way. Their purpose; they transfer control from the sub to the Dom. Different subs respond differently to different tools but their purpose is the same.

Use them effectively and the power exchange is accomplished efficiently. Think of them as activities and the power exchange may or may not happen. You get caught up in what you are doing and when you are done, all you had was kinky sex. That's OK sometimes, but I'm in it for the power exchange. To feel like a Dom I need to feel the submission in my sub. As the Dom, I am in a position to make that happen but until recently, it wasn't happening consistently. As I started to think of pain and bondage as tools, I began to use them to achieve my goal rather then for their own sake. I still enjoy them, but I am focused on stripping control from my sub.

In the end we both are more satisfied, our sessions are more enjoyable, and I can now say that I think I am finally getting the hang of this.

Bound and helpless, or is it happy?

I enjoy binding my sub. I like the act of tying the ropes and I like the look of the finished product. Unfortunately I am not very good at it. It takes me a long time and I am often disappointed with the results. Sometimes the knots are untidy or sometimes the bindings don't restrict as I intended or the knots wind up at the wrong place. I rarely start over, thinking my long drawn out process was boring her. So I finish often with a result that is disappointing. She has never complained about me taking too much time. I thought she was being polite. Recently I discovered my thinking was entirely flawed.

During a recent session I decided I wanted to bind her again. I placed her on her stomach and began from her ankles and moved my way up to her wrists. I even incorporated a newly acquired anal hook into my binding. I was fairly happy with the result this time but it did take awhile. In a email reflecting on our session she expressed to me how much she enjoyed being bound and found both the act and the final result relaxing. I took a picture of the final result and I happily share it with you. We've had a very good time of it lately and those of you that have read my entire blog know that isn't always the case.

I am a fortunate Dom. What I enjoy, makes my sub happy too. What could be better than that.

Do you really have a need to serve?

I read a fair number of blogs, and as you can guess, most of them are written by subs. In many cases these subs talk about how much pleasure they get from serving their masters or how strong their need to serve is. I must say I find this difficult to believe. I have had only four subs for any length of time and none of them had a need to serve. Perhaps I don't inspire servitude in my subs, but I don't believe that to be the case. I feel a sub does her master's bidding because in pleasing him, the hope is that he will return the favour.
That doesn't mean that he has to do nice things, merely to do those things that drew the sub into the relationship in the first place. With my current sub things are no different. Just like in a vanilla relationship, if I satisfy her needs, she in turn wants to do the same for me. If either falls down on their end, the relationship suffers What makes a BDSM relationship different, in my opinion, is that a master can train or manipulate his sub to satisfy his own needs. If I need to feel like a dom or be sexually satisfied, then I can act or have my sub act to fill those needs. I can tell you that it is intoxicating to be able to have all your needs met. Unfortunately, there are times where in looking after my on needs, I have neglected my sub's needs. Lately our relationship has flourished because I have adjusted my requests or the manor in which I play with my sub to ensure her needs are met. They weren't major changes but enough to ensure both of us gain the most from being together.

Do you really need to serve, or are you serving as a means to an end?

Staying connected

One of the hardest things of having a sub that you don't live with or even see every day, is to stay connected as Master and sub. Our normal lives pull at us constantly leaving little time for us to renew our roles. It forces us to try to stay connected online. As I'm sure many of you have figured out, maintaining an online relationship after having had a real life one is a very poor substitute. Over the years I have tried many times to Dominate her online. I never felt very successful or fulfilled by doing this, and after some time I simply stopped trying.

Recently I decided to try anew. I decided that I needed a way to feel connected to her and when she completed a task or request that I asked her to do, no matter how silly, I did get a sense of fulfilment. She did it for me, why else would she do it other than I asked. I have even asked her to document the event using a digital camera and provide me proof, and again she complied. For some reason this time it's working. I feel like a Dom. She does done everything I ask, as soon as she can. I hope it is helping her feel as connected to me as I now feel connected to her.

Things have been going pretty well lately. We talk more, we let each other know more about what we like and don't, and we do not let anything fester as much as we may have in the past. Lately I am a happy Dom.

Stopping the spiral downwards

As you may have noticed, it's been two months since my last post. In that time we have had three or four meetings, none of them that successful. During the last meeting I left her with bruises that she had to hide for a week. Since then we haven't met, and thankfully last week she got really upset with me. She was upset about the marks, but more importntly she was more upset that I had not invested in trying to make things better. I hadn't shared the things that were bothering me and I didn't appear to care that things were going badly. It took a lot of chat but finally we started really communicating about what was really important to each other and what was BDSM myth and had no importance. If you read enough blogs and stories, you soon start to think that some of that stuff is real and people really like being treated like shit, or being neglected. The reality is that every relationship, vanilla or BDSM requires that both commit to each other and provide for each other's needs.
What does my sub need, control. Yes, if you have read previous posts, this is nothing new. I have always known this. Why was I more successful some times than others? why did she leave sometimes walking four feet off the ground, barely able to get back to work to tell me what a great session it was and other times, give me a quick "thanks for meeting me". When I started going through the activities that we do, I realized that some activities established control, why others did not. Those others, like bondage may continue the control but binding someone takes too long to establish control. I also realized that the intensity necessary to establish control did not need to be maintained the whole time, but did need to be re-applied throughout the session, especially after pauses. By going through all the things I do to her, I was able to sort through them into those that establish control and those that should be used after control is established. By taking care which activities to use when, I should be able to establish control and maintain that feeling for both her and I the entire time.

Armed with this knowledge, the only thing left is to test my theory. It's a little scary, wondering if this will stop the downward spiral our relationship is in. I am running out of ideas, but I am not ready to give up.

Thoughts about breath play

I have to admit the thought of breath play in the past has always scared me. I couldn't understand the attraction as I read other's thoughts on the topic. Occasionally I would see high school kids knocking each other out for fun,and I equated that as breath play and it make me shake my head and question their sanity.

Lately however, I have discovered that while I still don't want to render my sub unconscious, I do like the feel of my hand around her throat. the more I squeeze the more helpless she becomes. Nothing seems to bring me a feeling of control as quickly. My sub becomes totally focused in what I am doing, and waits for me to decide to either release her or knock her out. It provides me with an intense feeling of dominance, having that power, and I can know see what others see in it. I also realize that it is a topic that I need to learn more about, since the consequences of error are quite grave.

So that is what I intend to do, gather the facts around the risks and techniques required for safe breath play. I look forward to posting the results of my learning's. In the meantime, I will go slowly as I have no desire to harm my sub.

Work sucks

I know you didn't wait two weeks just to read me write this. I have been away on vacation and unable to keep up with my blog. I enjoyed my vacation, but it did keep me away from my sub, who patiently waited for my return. Of course upon returning, there is a mountain of work to get caught up on and little time to chat with my sub. Our lives do not allow much in way of communication except chat, so we both do the best we can to make ourselves available for each other. When work piles up for either of us, chatting becomes difficult or frustrating. Difficult, since carrying on anything but a very casual conversation requires some uninterrupted time which isn't available, and frustrating, when the either of us is unable to keep up their end. The resulting conversation is less than sparkling. and ultimately adds to the feeling of distance and separation that we have. We did get a chance to meet this week and after a prolonged absence. I find our first session after an absence always disappointing. I feel great pressure to be a perfect dominant, to make up for lost time and put our relationship back in the good place it was at before I left. This week I have to accomplish this under time pressure since our schedules didn't permit much time together.
It was a good meeting but I can't help feeling disappointed in my effort. I wanted to leave an impression, to remind her why we risk so much to be together and to live our needs. Somehow I never leave feeling like I accomplished my goal and this week was no different. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but she is worth it and leaving her feeling owned by me is the greatest feeling I get as a dominant. I can tell when I do leave that impression on her, I see it in her eyes. To feel truly dominant, I need to see that look, to have her enter my room as a busy business woman and leave my submissive. That's why I do this.